Government Powerless to Prevent Inevitable Catastrophic Collapse of Supergiant-class Stars

WASHINGTON D.C. -- On Capitol Hill today, Speaker of the United States House of Representatives Nancy Pelosi (D-CA) said that the inability of the U.S. government to prevent the core-collapse and subsequent catastrophic explosion of giant-class stellar objects was a direct effect of the deregulation of the heavens. She implored Congress to quickly pass her proposed tax measure which would in effect give the government control of the Milky Way and parts of the Andromeda Galaxy, to be accomplished by a power sharing agreement with Mars.

The Martians had no comment as of press time.

Many scientists, however, strongly oppose this proposal claiming that the collapse of these giant-class stars is vital to the existence of the universe and must be allowed to proceed.

"Our skin, our flesh, our blood, and our bones are literally 'Star-stuff'." one astrophysicist stated. "The very matter of which we are composed and surrounded was cooked up millions to billions of years ago in the cores of these massive stars, only to be distributed throughout the cosmos via these catastrophic collapses. To prop up these stars and postpone the inevitable is to meddle dangerously in the affairs of time and space itself."

The President's press secretary, Dana Perino, said that the current administration does not believe in dinosaurs, star dust, or a balanced budget.

"Therefore," said Perino, "we do not believe in scientists either."

Shortly after making this statement, President Bush asked Perino to get him a coffee, since, he said, "she's a great girl and a pretty sweet secretary."

"Man," Bush added, "I am going to miss this job."

Sen. Barack Obama (D-IL) said, simply, "Ch-ch-changes. Turn, and face the strange."

The black holes left by the potential collapse of the Super Giants would temporarily be filled by Fox News' staff.

In related news, the current administration is planning on proposing another bill to change natural history books to remove the term "Dinosaurs" and replace it with "Jesus Horses", also dating them back to the beginning of time, roughly 6000 years.